candyrockstar

who wants this face

2011-03-06T16:45:00.001-08:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

2011-03-06T16:26:00.001-08:00

I'm in Charlotte

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

2011-03-05T00:00:00.001-08:00

I'm in Atlanta

2011-03-03T12:41:00.001-08:00

I'm in Austin

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

2010-12-17T10:59:00.001-08:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

2010-12-15T15:10:00.001-08:00

I'm in San Fransisco

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

2010-12-14T15:48:00.001-08:00

I'm in Dallas

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

2010-12-14T14:22:00.001-08:00

I'm in Austin

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

and so it never started and it will never stop

2010-12-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

it feels like it never started
there was never a true beginning to pinpoint, anyway
but it feels like it's ending
for no real reason
other than the slow spiral of life
draining our energy and smiles
and dragging us away

2010-11-01T13:29:00.001-07:00

There was nothing like losing me

2010-10-31T07:46:00.001-07:00

I'm in New York

2010-10-30T12:04:00.001-07:00

I'm in Washington DC

2010-10-29T12:12:00.001-07:00

I'm in Baltimore

2010-10-29T08:48:00.001-07:00

I'm in Houston

2010-10-28T19:41:00.001-07:00

I'm in Austin

2010-06-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

if happiness is a choice
you have to use your voice
but i lost it along the way
i shouted and screamed
until i could only whisper
and then it disappeared
it never crossed my mind to find it
as others searched,
overturned blankets and sheets,
doormats, dirty rugs, empty boxes and cans,
discarded food scraps, creaky closet doors,
the bathtub drain, the jail cells,
textbooks, and professional eyes
as if it had a place to hide
as if silence was not a source,
a beginning
a way to free my tangled veins
of complicated heartbeats

i used to joke about my weak wrists but now it's an issue

2010-06-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

i'm approaching the 24th year of my life and people roll their eyes and talk about spring chickens but i've got jars of ashes on my windowsill from bodies i used to hold and everyone else still alive is walking down the isle with their new wives and new lives and their new homes and small children and dogs and most importantly their new found happiness but i struggle to pay the rent and stay awake past ten and my hangovers are harder to cure and i can taste death on every one of my breaths and i really don't understand why everyone has to talk so loud everywhere i go and i read the paper and have to hold it further away each time i turn a page and i clip things out and send them away like grandmothers do and i once not too long ago let the words when i was your age slip out and i swear to god these whippersnappers with their new-fangled technology make me ache for a time i couldn't possibly know to enjoy...............

and everyone keeps talking about spring chickens and how i have my whole life ahead of me but i have a sinking feeling i am going to wake up one morning soon and realize i don't. i wasted it watching and now it's gone.

2010-04-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night. 12:30. Outside a bar in clothes that don't match. Waiting for a handful of people I can't call friends.

2010-03-30T09:00:00.001-07:00

i don't want to go to school! i want to write and yelp and blog all day!

2010-01-31T15:43:00.001-08:00

if i am not married or in a serious-heading-towards-marriage-relationship by the time i'm 25, i'm going to figure out how i can marry the city of austin.

2010-01-15T15:27:00.000-08:00

if you can't say it to my face, don't say it to my phone.

2010-01-13T06:55:00.001-08:00

thanks for friending me on facebook, but not in real life.

most depressing blog award

2010-01-13T06:54:00.001-08:00

At the end of the night i stepped in shit and that about sums it up.

2009-10-21T10:52:00.001-07:00

Cause when i'm sober i have to sit and think about how lonely i really am.

2009-10-19T23:15:00.001-07:00

I have to wake up early. I'm drunk.

2009-10-19T10:50:00.001-07:00

Hate hate hate, double hate, LOATHE entirely.

2009-10-15T12:33:00.001-07:00

I'm the fuckin boss

2009-10-13T22:35:00.001-07:00

i'd ask you if you wanna fuckin' party, but i know the answer is no.

2009-10-13T21:58:00.001-07:00

oh and the day just keeps getting fucking better...

2009-10-13T21:57:00.002-07:00

from the shelf to the bag to the counter to the glass
to the lips to the floor to the trash

go ahead, she's a regular hobag

2009-10-13T21:57:00.001-07:00

meet the candy rockstar of myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/436043333

2009-10-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

i don't know if ya'll are familiar with the website etsy:

http://www.etsy.com/

but it's this great little handmade/vintage website that i can't afford but love to look at. daily. since being reminded of it by nessa.

but there's this horrible and funny website that compiled all the crazy weird and sometimes disturbing things they have:

http://www.regretsy.com/

i wanna laugh so hard.

2009-10-13T14:59:00.001-07:00

babies with bookbags

2009-10-13T10:07:00.001-07:00

Today sucks. My life sucks. How the hell can i make it through this year if i can barely make it through the day?

2009-10-13T07:17:00.001-07:00

I just want...

to-do list

2009-10-12T10:58:00.003-07:00

Make less lists.

2009-10-12T10:58:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna take a sweet ass nap when i get home.

2009-10-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

it's not me, it's them?

2009-10-08T19:46:00.001-07:00

all that talk about the future was just to take up time

2009-10-08T16:16:00.001-07:00

Boss.

nothing else could describe my life right now

2009-10-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me

2009-10-07T13:17:00.001-07:00

it's my own cheating heart that makes me cry

does daddy pay the bill?

2009-10-07T10:52:00.001-07:00

Why does everyone have an iphone?

2009-10-07T02:15:00.000-07:00

just what i needed :)

2009-09-30T04:04:00.001-07:00

I wasn't the first to do it and i didn't even do it well.

2009-09-30T04:02:00.001-07:00

'sure, go ahead, she's a regular hobag.'

2009-09-29T20:34:00.001-07:00

What's with the age gap crap?

2009-09-29T10:17:00.001-07:00

This is destroying me.

in response to coffee number 2

2009-09-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

i need booze to deal with the incompetence of my generation

2009-09-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

i've got the answer, i'm an idiot!

2009-09-27T19:10:00.001-07:00

I've been so terrified, but now i'm ready to get knocked out and even feel pain because that means i get to lay in bed and do nothing but stay in bed and watch the office.

2009-09-26T16:30:00.001-07:00

Strip clubs are depressing during the day.

2009-09-26T08:32:00.001-07:00

Is it just me, or is it incredibly loud?

2009-09-25T17:45:00.001-07:00

I have become so, so old.

2009-09-22T21:32:00.001-07:00

down the same streets that i did

2009-09-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

now that's a cool feeling

2009-09-19T18:49:00.001-07:00

Best austin day ever.

2009-09-18T19:57:00.001-07:00

Why

2009-09-18T12:57:00.001-07:00

i've collapsed
someone is standing on my chest
i struggle to move
but death's bony hands are glued to my shoulders
i struggle to breath
but can only close my eyes
as death's warm breath
inches closer to my neck

2009-09-18T00:25:00.000-07:00

"You're pretty" - guy on 7th st, walking by me.

"Thanks" - me, as i'm singing and paying the meter.

"And I was lying" - guy, crossing the street, looking back at me.

"You were lying?" - me, (thinking maybe he said "and i'm not lying...")

"Yes I was" - guy, turns back around and walks away.

wtf, austin? <3

2009-09-16T10:53:00.001-07:00

It's kind of silly to think i have it tough

2009-09-15T23:14:00.001-07:00

I didn't feel a thing when you told me that
you didn't feel a thing when I told you that
I didn't feel a thing

thanks jim

2009-09-13T21:22:00.001-07:00

saying yes was the best decision i have ever made.

thanks cos

2009-09-13T19:18:00.001-07:00

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

2009-09-13T19:16:00.002-07:00

are we not in austin?

i love this city so much i could fucking scream. i would, but all my energy has been sucked up by the city. :)

2009-09-13T19:16:00.001-07:00

"ask her what was in her face last night!"

for 9/11/09

2009-09-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

i am in the process of moving this project. if you want to know where, well, ask me.

2009-09-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

christmas lights and raindrops.

i feel like my stuff sucks lately. and it probably does. but that's not the point.

2009-09-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

2009-09-09T10:53:00.001-07:00

I can't believe i'm paying for this.

2009-09-09T09:59:00.001-07:00

It's really hard to compete. I need to step it up in all kinds of ways.

2009-09-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

2009-09-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

2009-09-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

blogging my brain out

2009-09-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

if i could afford it, i would be the perfect austinite. i would have a house off first, a brightly painted little thing with an inviting porch. one or two bedrooms, one bathroom without windows that would become my darkroom. a roomy kitchen filled with all kinds of ridiculous things i don't need, like heart shaped egg molds and seventeen beer bottle openers. hardwood floors, colorful rugs, cute shades that i would mostly leave open for the natural light. i'd wake up to walk down the street to the local juice bar and grab a chronicle. my closet would be overflowing with maxi dresses from emerald's and other tiny boutiques. my fridge would be so colorful and fresh, showcasing my finds from the farmer's market. i'd go to the best local place for lunch, the cheapest place for after dinner drinks. i'd pick a few venues for the night, and fill my ears with jazz, indie, and swing. i'd know the after-night diner without the crowd and order without needing a menu. i'd take pictures of it all and write all the details and reviews down until someone noticed and paid me to do it daily.

i'd know just the place to go for this and that, keeping it local and intimate. i'd have all the resources i needed for whatever crazy project i had in my head, and i would be supported.

i guess i just want to give austin back what it gives me.

2009-09-05T11:37:00.001-07:00

don't drink and sleep.

frank says hi.

real camera picture: don't need no teef to eat my beef

i've made a huge mistake

2009-09-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

i didn't take a picture with a real camera. i was too tired and lazy(drunk). hence the goofy ass face. i took some real camera pictures today to make up for it. i wish the lake pictures would have come out better, but i didn't have a tripod for my camera and it was too dark. apparently they released stuff from the dam to make the water clean for the triathlon coming up, so all this sludge and trash was floating down the river. it was really neat looking. but it was also filled with trash, so it was sad. there was a lot of cups, but also a basketball and a cooler. it went by pretty fast and the river looked new and shiny and it didn't smell.

2009-09-04T07:09:00.001-07:00

i was just thinking about how much i loathe facebook. then i started thinking that i actually probably wouldn't have a problem with it if people used it the way it is supposed to be used. it's supposed to be used as a way to keep in touch with old friends, as a way to keep all your contacts in one place, as a way to find support. at least that's the way i see it. but it has become a place to tell everyone what you are doing in that certain moment, it has become a way to post your random thoughts: "should i have a sandwich or soup for dinner?" or "i'm so hungry. who wants to go eat right now?" it has become a way to find dates and embarrass yourself in front of people you work with and FOR.

it's not supposed to be a replacement for real social interaction. it makes everyone look desperate and lonely and it depresses me. i feel like life is passing me by, with all of this technology. all i want is to curl up with a real old book, not a fucking kindle. i want to hand write letters, and receive them. i want to shoot fucking film until the day i die. everyone takes advantage of the increasing speed of technology but it just makes me sad. i guess i sort of think of the "analog" way of doing things is a way of paying respect and gratitude to our forefathers. hah, that sounds so....... but, seriously. people struggled to create such wonderful things, people carried around pounds and pounds of equipment just to take one picture, and had to wait 8 hours until the shutter released. and now we carry cameras the size of our hand, and click without thinking, taking crap and not photographs.

now i personally love to write down every stupid little thought that comes into my mind. that's why i have a JOURNAL. it's completely for me, as a way to remember my stupid breakdowns, my wonderful days, how i felt, etc etc. of course people read it, and sometimes it does feel like i want someone to reply, but overall, it's for me. i am very comfortable sharing intimate details of my personality and life, and that does scare me a little, because sometimes i end up with no secrets and feel like people walked away with bits and parts of me i may never get back, or won't be appreciated like they should be. i try to control it, but i can't. so i can sort of understand these people trying to post all of these things...and maybe we both do it for some kind of attention. but i also crave real, whole, pure social interaction. i have no problem eating dinner alone, but when i want people around, i want lots of them. i want ideas and a sense of community. and it just doesn't exist. i want people who are excited as i am to create. who get giddy just because there are 6 people in the room that do different things, and if we somehow combine our talents, we could create something great.

but everyone wants to smoke and drink and update their status.

2009-09-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

2009-09-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

I never belonged here anyway.

2009-09-03T12:42:00.001-07:00

whatever, ya'll.

making it worse

2009-09-02T22:20:00.001-07:00

day fucking four

2009-09-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

day two no drinks

2009-09-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

no camera phone, cause it's lame, the pregnant series is way better but i can't post it here, etc etc etc.

2009-09-01T11:51:00.001-07:00

i just went to get my car inspected a local place down the street.

i am a total snob about customer service, but i can recognize that "local" places are going to be different than corporate places, and all that goes along with that.

the guy was mexican and english was obviously not his first language. there was not enough communication for me (hey, i'm a communication snob too...i want LOTS of it) and the guy kept walking away to talk to other people/customers and then going back to my car. he came over to hand me back my insurance and he said "oh, are you expecting a baby?" and i said no. i started seething with rage, growing angrier every second until i was shaking all over. i don't give a FUCK if i look pregnant, or even if i AM pregnant. i am a paying customer. and i am a woman.

so i decided to say something. which i would never do! for some reason i feel assertive today.

so i waited until he handed me receipt. i said, "for your information, you don't ask a woman if she is pregnant. it's rude and unprofessional."

he said he was sorry and that he would keep it in mind. he said that i looked cute, but his wife was pregnant and she just looks so cute. i told him it was different, it was rude, and i wouldn't be coming back.

i can't believe i said something.

but more over, i can't believe THIS HAPPENED AGAIN.

seriously, i'm so tired, that's all i got

2009-08-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

2009-08-31T16:40:00.001-07:00

i can't understand how you can be so content with being so completely useless

2009-08-31T10:54:00.001-07:00

I can't help it

2009-08-30T18:14:00.001-07:00

i love to write, even about subjects i hate.

overheard on the patio

2009-08-30T18:04:00.001-07:00

"can we get a dog?" - kid
"no." - mom
"can we get a two headed cat?" - kid

2009-08-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

ode to my brother

2009-08-29T21:30:00.001-07:00

mellow and alone

2009-08-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

2009-08-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

2009-08-28T00:45:00.000-07:00

real camera: raindrops on rooftops

2009-08-28T00:18:00.001-07:00

I think she's right

2009-08-27T10:31:00.001-07:00

You've got this funny way of making everything okay.

2009-08-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

real camera: mirror on a motorcycle

i guess i'm narotic

2009-08-25T23:42:00.001-07:00

consumed today:

seven bites of cereal
grilled shrimp tacos (delish)
giant glass of water
2 baby glasses of wine
disgusting glass of milk
double chocolate cupcake
SUSHI FUCKING SUSHI IT WAS HEAVEN

and hey, only two people called me fat today. at least i wasn't mistaken for pregnant. again.

4 times, 2 months.

2009-08-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

i wish too, that everyone would just chill out.